There is Always a Social Dimension

“[T]he study of our behavior as social beings, covering everything from the analysis of short contacts between anonymous individuals on the street to the study of global social processes . . .” (American Sociological Association, ‘What is sociology?’)

I am a creature that thirsts for knowledge. In the past months, I have had something of a… learning drought – which is also why I have been so very inactive on this blog. But recently, I found myself craving new knowledge again, which is very fortunate, since I have just started two new classes.

One of these is a class in sociology (see the quote above for a defintion). Now, I am not a very social person, and since I have lived in the same place for almost five years, I have a sufficient amount of friends in the area. So when I started this new class last week, I went into it with the mindset that I didn’t need to meet any new people. It was an immense relief – I wouldn’t have to care at all about the social bit. I could just go all into the learning and skip the rest. Not that it would be a bad thing if I met some new people, as long as it was on my terms and without any pressure.

The first week went well. I spoke with some new people, but didn’t feel the need to get to know any of them on a deeper level. Frankly, I didn’t want to. I leaned back and watched as all the students around me started the desperate dance that somehow everyone seems to feel the need to dance in a new situation. It was twice the fun due to the fact that we are all taking a sociology class, where we will be studying people’s (and ourselves’) “behavior as social beings”. I already knew from the class I took in behavioural science last Autumn that human beings are incredibly dependent on social validation, but it was very interesting to watch the social effect so prominently firsthand. In fact, it was so interesting that I didn’t realise until it was too late that I had gotten myself into a very strange situation.

Yesterday, at a lecture, I chose a seat next to a person I had spoken with a little on the first seminar. A stranger then sat down at my other side. During the lecture, we were asked to discuss something in groups of two or three people, and so the three of us naturally started talking to each other. Nothing strange so far. But then, in the 15-minute break between two sessions, the stranger confessed that this was their first class and that they had realised that they needed to meet some new people to study with, because apparently, they didn’t “understand a thing”. They then went on to ask if the three of us could perhaps meet sometime next week to study together. Since I wasn’t prepared for that kind of question, I didn’t know what to say – but the person from the seminar immediately agreed that we should study together.

Yes, you read that right. They agreed that we – that the three of us – should meet and study together. Without even having said a word, I was suddenly expected to participate in something I hadn’t yet agreed to. In the next breath, one of them asked for my last name so that they could add me on Facebook – which I gave them, stupified – and then they asked what time would suit me best. Since I was still in shock, all I could say was, “I’ll have to check my schedule.” And in hindsight, I realise that this must have constituted an indirect approval. But I had gotten myself into a very difficult situation indeed.

While the common reaction to such a proposal one week into a new class might usually be glee or relief – “I have now established contact with other human beings and can relax knowing that I am a piece in a social puzzle” – I was not interested in being a puzzle piece – or at least, I thought it wasn’t important to me. My attitude conflicted with the established norm. So what was I supposed to do? Say “no thank you, I am not interested in socialising with you in my spare time”? Say “yes” and then drag myself to a meeting I didn’t want to go to? While I didn’t much care for bonding with new people, I didn’t want to be seen as rude, and besides, I enjoyed sitting next to the person I met at the seminar, and would like to sit next to them again in the future. So I said nothing. I sat there, dumbfounded, marvelling over the sheer stupidity and irony of the situation, while the other two were excitedly discussing our upcoming meeting.

After the lecture, I met up with two close friends and discussed my problem. They agreed that I had practically accepted the meeting by not outright refusing it, but that my reaction at the time had been understandable. One of them then suggested that I should contact the two via Facebook and retract my approval. But how? How would I do that without being seen as a jerk? From my perspective, I had two alternatives:

1. Violating the social norm – effectively showing them my true self – by sincerely explaining that I was not interested in studying with them.
2. Accepting the social norm – effectively showing them a false version of myself – by going to the meeting against my will.

It all came down to one question: What is most important to me? Being part of the social puzzle, or independently standing up for who I am?

Human beings have an innate need to belong. But it is more than just that. As phrased by one of my sociology lecturers, “It is in the encounters with other human beings that we develop our individuality and become members of society.” This statement suggests that without a social context, there are no individuals. Is it even possible, then, to be an independent individual? The two alternatives that I came up with were both based on social validation. If I accepted the social norm, then I would be accepted as a social creature and immediately welcomed into the group. If I violated the social norm, it would perhaps lead to immediate discomfort, but on the other hand, I would show them “my true self” and thus seek acceptance from the group by “opening up” to them about my personal preferences. And in the long run, violating the social norm could very well be the only way to be accepted deeply into the group.

Thinking about all of this made my brain hurt, so in the end, I chose to violate the norm and explain to my new acquaintances that I wasn’t interested in studying with them (not in a rude manner, of course – I simply said that I study best by myself). It seemed like the only way to go if I wanted to accept myself and my needs. Luckily, my explanation was received with understanding, and I was accepted into the group as myself. But the whole dilemma did give me something of an epiphany: We may consider ourselves to be independent individuals, but when it comes down to it, there is always a social dimension.

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Sorry for the somewhat unfocused post – it’s been a while. Anyway, seeing that I am currently taking two classes in sociology and IT law respectively, and studying criminology and rationality in my sparetime, I expect to be having a lot of inspiration in the near future, so stay tuned for more soon.